[ The morning before Cassian's first shift at the Hex Club, an envelope finds its way to his door. Inside is a gold pin in the shape of a hexagon, as well as a note: ]
Cassian, Welcome to the Hex Club. I look forward to working with you. β Silco
[cassian lets this sit for some time, a debate on how to proceed turning in his mind. he doesn't know what max had said, exactly, but he can guess; she'd probably come at qimir with the kind of anger that would scare anyone into apologizing, no matter what they'd actually done. maybe there's a little satisfaction in him at that knowledge.
there's no reason to make enemies here, not among the people who are also being held captive. there's also reason, more than enough, to be wary; he's not going to forget that.
[it's rude, even without reading anyone's thoughts, to assert that someone is not okay. to tell them how they feel. 'qimir' is off his game, but he's spent a long time observing people, pretending to be one.
he's spent time observing animals, too. been one of those. rolling over, exposing the belly to say, you can trust me, at least this far.]
I'm not. This isn't an excuse. Most people don't know people like me exist, but the ones who do did not tolerate us. I was being hunted. I'm trying not to act like it, here, but it bled out. Badly.
[some of the tension wears away from his jaw as he reads this, as he adds it into his considerations. qimir had talked about the republic, but things hadn't started with the empire, had they? kenari had been stripped apart years before he'd ever heard the name.
it isn't so hard to believe that a people nearly nonexistent in his time would've faced this in the past. that, too, probably hadn't started with the empire.
so, finally:]
I know what that's like.
[an acknowledgement, and maybe, in some parts, an understanding.]
I'm still looking over my shoulder everyday, waiting for something to happen.
Yes. And the feeling of being watched, here. Doesn't help.
[a persistent, low grade grind on his nerves. gnawing on the back of his mind. bad, in combination with the paranoia what had him lying in the first place. at this point, mind reading is not necessary to imagine cassian is the same. similar. worse off, maybe.]
Somehow, the idea we can't stay dead here also isn't better, for me. But maybe that will help you to know, if you didn't.
[he imagines, obscurely, for a man engaged to be married, it might seem a boon. the power of two being what it is.]
[it truly doesn't help at all; on that, they're agreed. somehow, it feels heavier and more constant now than it ever has β even under the empire, and even in duplicity.]
It was the same, where we were before this. They were always watching us. People didn't stay dead.
But there were more restrictions.
[this is mostly information that was on max's post, out there for people to see, but with one new item. a start.]
[the absence of death is one of the less likely threats the stranger has ever faced. he does notice, this single addition to max's public disclosure. it's an important one.]
It only happened to me once, so I don't know if this is always the case.
[not counting the time he'd been knocked out, had slept for days, and had woken with years' worth of memories, including his own death on scarif; that had felt different, and isn't within the scope of this conversation to address.]
After I came back, I was cold for a week. No ability to warm up, except when making physical contact with someone else.
This old dispatch might be helpful for you. For me, it only raised as many questions as it answered. We didn't talk about souls so much, when I came from. Nor gods, in the world where I was raised.
it's not new; by now, more than one guest has alluded to the same thing. especially the ones who've been here months and months. if not about the external conditions of their future, then the necessary coping skills for surviving here. but it means more, coming from cassian andor.]
( left on his pillow dec. 1st, after max has slipped out to do whatever she does. training. showering. running. breakfast, if she does that alone, angelus doesn't judge - is a sketch of his lovely wifesleeping, unsigned )
I think of you with your back to a wall. Not the ones built to tame you, but stones that will burn red rosettes up your spine before I turn them purple with my teeth. Friction is universal. My nails will welt your hips. You fight, a little. Try to get your swollen sex in my mouth; the right place for it to grow. You don't mind that I'm stronger than you are, until your thighs begin to burn. And I will eat you like an almond.
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